Failure

I've been thinking about the fact that I am too easily hurt, and more problematically, too easily resentful. A wonderful person who was very kind to me when I was an underclassmen gave me the impression that he considered me a good friend. So I expected that he would visit me if he was ever in the area. When I heard from other people that he had indeed visited the area and set apart time for them, but not for me, I felt hurt, and my hurt turned into resentment. Something similar happened the second time he visited, and all my fondness for him drained out of me until I actually saw him. And then my heart softened a little. But I was so disappointed by it all. Why make people feel special when they're not really special to you? Looking back, I see that much of it was my fault. I was feeling fatalistic, and I was looking to be disappointed, so when he tried and didn't try hard enough, I stamped it a failure. So then, what was it all about? Getting to see an old friend? Or testing him to see whether he was a friend at all? I admit that I test people sometimes. I test people mercilessly when I'm feeling insecure about their love for me. But that doesn't make what I do right. So I've often thought about talking things over with this person, asking for forgiveness. But I've never done it. The thought that goes through my head is, maybe he never cared much about you to begin with. But then I ask myself, did you ever care about him, or can you only love people who love you?