*
I read H's email too, and laughed to myself. I think it was the "don't be lazy" line that struck me. I seem to have fallen into the habit of being unable to do work on weekends, and then being unable to sleep enough because of the work I have to catch up on.
Speaking of being attracted to things that aren't good...I heard this girl sing in Cafe V tonight. She had a really nice voice, and I felt myself sinking into the melancholy of her songs. Melancholy is so comfortable sometimes...and that's one of the things I caught myself doing a lot last year, and still do--being comfortable being sad.
What's difficult about sadness is sometimes it's legitimate and sometimes it's simply self-manipulation, like a choice of songs. What mood would I like to be in? Which song will I play?
I guess I'm still sad about K. The last thing I did for him was to leave him homemade brownie cookies (not made by me). That did not make him happy however, and it's been absence ever since. He sent me an angry email. He sent me another email the next day apologizing and asking me to disregard what he'd written. All very curt and heartbreaking. There was nothing for me to say.
It's been hard, and like I said, sometimes I still slip back into that self-pitying sadness which is so easy, so effortless. But there have been all these reminders recently that godly sorrow is not this kind, that godly sorrow entails rejoicing, entails loving other people, entails seeing instead of blindness. The girl who was singing tonight sang of how if she were a painter, the only paintings "I would paint would be paintings of you" ...or something to that effect. And I was thinking--when we're in love with Christ, we're wanting to paint pictures of everything, we're wanting to see everyone. God's own love is amazing that way--it is the most particular kind of love there is, and yet he loves all of us that way. Loved to the utmost, but not loved alone.
Two of the freshmen recently had a huge misunderstanding, and one of them was deeply hurt. I emailed back and forth a little bit with the latter, but couldn't say much because I didn't know much about the situation and he wasn't picking up his phone. A few days later, I opened an email from both of them explaining how they had had a big misunderstanding, how they had finally talked to each other the next day, and in the process of talking found out that both of them were carrying similar burdens, things they wouldn't have revealed otherwise. As a result, they now "cherish" each other more than ever, and are thankful for God's faithfulness and intervention in their lives. They sounded so cheesy (they were up way past their bedtimes writing their joint email), but that email made me grateful. It reminded me of how good God is. And it reminded me of what it felt like to apologize to D about being angry with him and him telling me that of course he forgives me. Things are also less awkward with L, though that's partly due to the fact that I rarely see him. It always surprises me, sometimes jarringly, how different he is from me...the Body of Christ is a fathomless well of diversity.
Thanks for letting me know a little bit of what's been going through your head C, although that's a lot of typing. What I struggle with in terms of sin are too numerous to list, but here are two biggies: jealousy (...) and pride (unnecessarily adding that I didn't apply to Woody Woo when asked about my major-- ha. ha.). Worn out as it might sound, I want my heart to sing the right songs. I want to love Christ. Sometimes, I think of a good memory of K and that's enough to make me happy. If only I can think of Christ that way, think more of my best friend and all his good qualities, and all the heroic things he has done, and all the ways in which he shows me he loves me...please pray that God would help me out with this one.
I'm going to bed now, but I just want to say that I'm glad you keep a blog. I'm glad these weeks in A have been so 'amazing' (hehe), and that your family and L were able to visit. When you can't go home, and home comes to you--that's sometimes the best. I seem to recognize the lyrics at the end. I don't remember if it was I who sent that song to you or if you already had it or if someone else sent it to you, but I did just listen to Sufjan this morning after at least a few months.
It's good to be alone sometimes...but not really.
Love you too,
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