South African tea.

My roommate and I have had some interesting times together. Late last night we trekked north to a Wasteland reading with some of our former classmates who had procured an old campus dining room and some drinks, salsa and chips to go with the poetry while the lights were dimmed. We were well entertained, not least because my roommate didn't need the alcohol to be hilarious.

Last night reminded me of a conversation she and I had a few months ago. One of us had pointed out that our interest in each other was dwindling into half-heartedness. Dinner had been exhausted and silent minus a few weak attempts at small talk that failed.

So, how was your day.
Good.
How about yours.
I have a lot of work to do.

Strange, because she and I are good friends. But there we were sitting across from each other in a room abuzz with talk and laughter and engagement, but we were still too tired to shift ourselves outward. There were conversations going on in my head, with other people, in other places. But nothing came out of my mouth. Her head was bowed over her food. We finished and then we left.

It occurred to me following the dead dinner that marriage takes more dedication to another human being than I am willing imagine at this point. My roommate and I realized that mutual respect and being able to get along was obviously not enough, and if she and I after three months of living together couldn't manage to be excited to see each other anymore, fascinating people that we are, well...

Merit is not the basis of love, though the common understanding of relationship suggests that it is. Those special people who are intelligent enough for us, or talented enough, or beautiful enough--those people will sit across from us at dinner and we'll realize that we could care less. And then there are those people who aren't and we'll have barely a heartbeat for them. Boredom can suck the rivers dry. What shall we ever do?

Thank God that He loves. Enough to save us from our own hearts and give us a piece of His. To help us love not because people have earned it but because they can't and neither can we. But like a friend said to me yesterday, things are easy on paper. So I'll stop, because I'm still afraid of being judged and every time I say things like this I'm asking for it.

We've been better to each other, my roommate and I, granted that we have our down days. We've had more than a few good conversations since the year's beginning and last night was jolly good fun. All about death and sterility and whether or not there is redemption in the end. We couldn't answer the question but one of the guys said something like, maybe it's up to us what happens.

Right now there is snow falling outside, which my roommate loves. She's waited for winter and it hasn't quite made it yet. But it's definitely snow blowing horizontal past my window. So maybe we'll go outside for a twirl before it's gone.